Getting straight to the point, met shin and eugene today along with van because van and I were in school. Shin told us about her experience in TCP camp and it was so relatable to my experience in BABC. Having h2h talks, opening up, teamwork. These were the basically why BABC means so much to me. I don't know why but on the way home I started thinking about opening up to someone again. I felt that they had to open up more in TCP than in BABC because shin told me that they had to each say something really deep within them, that they have yet to tell anyone and that really takes a lot a lot a lot of courage. The thought of it is already so hurtful and yet you have to bring it up to others and talk about it.. That's really harsh.. But that's where the whole group is able build trust among themselves I guess...
As I thought about deep things that I don't say to anyone or things that I barely bring up to my friends, I started to feel like shit?? Like right now. Well of course I wouldn't type what I feel like shit about here, but its basically a insecurity? Mm yeap, insecurities does kill me at times. As much as I like to tell myself "love yourself" and all of that, or whatever Michelle Phan usually says to embrace yourself, you have no idea how hard it is to actually embrace all your flaws. Well to me I really can't as much as I try to, then I feel so shitty over it.
Then comes all the good looking people you see on Instagram or Twitter. And CONSTANTLY, in my thoughts I would be like "wow I wish I could be like her", "I'm not good enough", "oh wow not in my league haha" and all those freaking shitty thoughts will start to surface in my mind again. Then i'll start reminding myself to restrain from thinking so much about it. I feel pretty weird talking about this here, I might remove it one day or even soon. Its 3am right now, maybe that's why I feel so comfortable typing it down because these kinda shit comes to my mind in the wee hours of the morning.
Aside from all these negative thoughts, I do think positive as I try to stop myself from thinking so much. And most of the support comes from my friends. Sec sch friends, poly friends, whatever friends, I'm really thankful that these people came into my life to constantly remind me that I am not alone. Come to think of it, I should be even thankful towards them because instead of choosing a friend who is super good looking or popular or whatever, they chose to become friends with me. (HAHA maybe its because they don't have a choice either) Instead of just being a convo killer when we all first met, I'm so glad that they carried on and talked to me to get to know each other better. Best of all, I'm really grateful to have friends in my life who advise me and help me. I feel that there is so much to learn from these people to make myself a MUCH better person.
So much thought processing going on, I guess this is just one of the nights/mornings that my mind is making my low self-esteem surface. CTs are coming up and I really feel the pressure. As much as I want to do well (I hope I do), there are assignments here and there to be completed, and also so many things to be studied. I really need to plan out my schedule! Time is so precious.
Goodnight. Thank you for hearing me and my weird 3am thoughts, whoever you are :)
