I guess in the end I need a space to unbottle everything up.. So here I am once again. From then till now, im pretty thankful for the advice they gave me. His mum and him himself. Because those advice they gave were really mature and made me think at a wider perspective.. A wider view and to put myself into others' shoes. Maybe if I was alone I would prolly be mature enough to think that way, but not carry it out because I can't bring myself to do it. But he, he did it. I guess everyone I meet, no matter who is special in their own ways and how they can affect others. In fact everyone is special. Those that I've met, they've impacted in my lives and im really glad to still have them here with me because without them I don't think i'll be who I am today. I won't be able to stand up for myself or persevere.
To be honest, im not those independent and strong kind of person. I don't have that character in me and I take time to build it up.. Through painful experiences or through help from those kind souls. There's so much more I can still improve on to be a much better person.
He told me to be myself. Yes I would gladly be myself but the thing is, would you accept me being 100% me? Yes most of the time to my friends I can say im myself. But to these kind of things, after going through such an experience, im so afraid of doing the wrong things and in the end they leave me. I can't help it. Worse still, things are so uncertain now and I don't have high hopes or anything. I just live everyday as per normal, let nature take it's course. But you obviously can't stop those sudden random thoughts of uncertainty and insecurity popping up in your mind. And when they pop up all you can do is just "ah fuck" and try your best to distract yourself from it. I've been trying really hard to do that after all the positive motivation thing from him hahaha. Yes him again.
As usual, I hope things do get better again.